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Marilyn and the support group leader |
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Marilyn had been attending her Alzheimer's support group for 4 years. Throughout those meetings she had endeared herself to all of us. Marilyn was one of those people who rarely cried and who kept up a facade of being in control. She was the one who brought the new joke into each and every meeting. She was the epitome of spunk and never during those years did she ever falter in her resolve to keep her husband, Gunter, at home. Aside from anything else she couldn’t afford nursing home care even if she wanted to place her husband in one. Their assets were tied up in their property and they literally lived on his Social Security. This meeting was different. Marilyn announced that Gunter had lost the ability to walk over the past 4 weeks. She had already gotten a wheel chair, learned how to transfer him herself, all 5 foot of her, and had made arrangement to have a ramp built so that she could still take him for drives, restaurants and strolls in the park. She started to cry when she spoke of the latest development in their lives. Before she could even begin to speak of the grieving she was going through the support group leader bounced in with the following comment...
An interesting thing happened as the barrage of questions hit her. Marilyn's tears stopped, her head raised, her back straightened, her voice changed, and she said as she removed her hanky from her face:
And she did just that. However, she never attended another meeting of that support group. Gunter died in their home two years later with his caregivers, his priest, and his wife by his side. But supposing Marilyn was in a different place. What does one do when faced with a weeping caregiver, who's well being might be at risk? Well, for one thing you don't attack them. Instead you might try this approach. Marilyn, I can't tell you how much I admire what you do for your husband. I only hope I can find the personal strength myself to face the challenges you've met. But I'm wondering if by chance you are at a point where you'd like to explore other options in his care. If so, I'd be very happy to help you either find help at home, or assist in a placement elsewhere if that is what you want to do. Just let me know how I can be a help. What a different response Marilyn might have had. As it was, her comment to me, as we left the group that evening was this... "She so hot to stick my husband in a nursing home, I wonder if she's willing to pay for it. She's so concerned about my welfare, baloney! Just once I'd like to hear from anyone that I'm doing a good job." There were other comments but I think you can fill in the blanks..
Everyone wants to see us get on with our lives, and get our obligations over with, and get back to being happy. However, it must be remembered that losing someone to any long term illness isn't easy. |