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Book Review: he used to be Somebody... by Judith Antonangeli, RN, BSN, Director of Alzheimer Support for the Cooperative for Human Services, inc. and serves on the Alzheimer Associations' Board of Directors, Cambridge, MA, Eastern Massachusetts Chapter ADRDA |
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"While a number of books depict caregiver's personal journeys through hat has been called the maze of Alzheimer's disease, Beverly Bigtree Murphy's story of caring for her husband Tom is much more than a caregiver's journal. He Used To Be Somebody is an intense story of unconditional love. What sets it apart is that these two people met and fell in love before either one realized the disease had already begun to impact their lives. "It wasn't until we started to formalize our wedding plans," Murphy writes, "and he began to involve me in the workings of his life that I began to observe, see and feel the horror that something was seriously wrong. By the time I started to realize the potential of what might be happening to Tom, I was too deeply involved in his being to walk away." Murphy shares the intimate and touching details of their emotional and physical relationship as she and Tom simultaneously experience "the little deaths' that occur with he progression of the disease. Lyrics from familiar old songs at the beginning of each chapter not only highlight joyful childhood memories, but depict the various stage of Beverly's marital relationship to Tom. Tom Murphy's persona is augmented by several remarkable letters written by former colleagues and friends. Carefully place throughout the book, they allow the reader to imagine the magnetic person Tom Murphy used to be. Despite feelings of isolation, fear and abandonment, and the effects of the disease on Tom, Murphy writes of the growing intensity of her love for her new husband. "The touch of him is just as meaningful to me as it was the day we met, and kissing him and being kissed by him is just as sweet." While often reminding the reader that she had a choice as to whether to continue in her role as primary caregiver, the author seems to have accepted it without bitterness, often physically exhausted, but always with devotion and a sense of humor. She directs what bitterness she does feel at the professionals who counsel caregiving spouses. She feels their efforts to provide guidance and comfort by 'giving them permission' to let go of their responsibilities to the person with dementia often miss the mark. She believe this counsel only compounds the sense of isolation the disease crates. professionals, she feels, should first recognize the grief experience over losses which occur as the disease progresses, and then actively help to engage local respite services "The problems caregivers face aren't about sacrifice at all," she writes. "They are about a lack of information about where to turn for help, and lack of recognition that a break from it all is desperately needed. To tell caregivers that they don't need to sacrifice their lives is to tell them their commitment to honor vows once made in earnest is regarded with no regard by others." In her final chapter, Murphy offer this advice in summarizing her approach to Tom's illness over their nine year marriage.
Alzheimer caregivers might just want to add He Used To Be somebody to their set of useful "tools." Newsletter, Alzheimer's Association - Cambridge, MA, Spring 1996 |